“Partying” has become a common refrain among young people today. They take the word to mean individuality, an ineffable freedom to express oneself and a testament to their enjoyment of life. How tragic is it, then, that these youths will grow up one day to realize the horrific consequences of their actions. From gonorrhea to marihuana addiction, from social ostracism to abject poverty, so many insurmountable challenges await. For now, one mindless urban music group profits scandalously by pumping out anthems to this foul lifestyle. Their name is LMFAO.
LMFAO is composed of two young men who stomp and shout their way all across YouTube. They do not sing, but rather yell harshly in a hip-hop slang beyond the comprehension of most. They do not dance, but rather bang their feet like inner city looters breaking into a Korean deli. They do not smile, but rather leer lustily at the gullibility of their sex-crazed fans. Where are the musical instruments? There are no instruments!
These are men hell-bent on corrupting our innocent children and their rewards are paid out in ounces, if not pounds, of warm, quivering teen flesh.
Parent’s Guide to LMFAO Songs
Party Rock Anthem: Loud techno beeps attempt to impose rhythm on this tragic tale as sultry ethnic hipsters gyrate themselves in and out of a narcotic haze. The lesson here: as society burns, take refuge in homosexual costumes and the muscled bosoms of your gangbanger friends.
Champagne Showers: Inspired by a radical sexual activity involving urination, this song teaches teens to “neck bump” and follow strangers to dark spaces. A Gothic Latina appears to entice the boys into an alcohol-fueled fornication orgy as symbolized by a poorly-executed disco dance complete with masturbatory fist pumps straight out of Jersey Shore.
Sexy and You Know It: With a fragrant nod to his famously homosexual audience, Redfro prances about in his favorite speedo. Sadly, diminutively-endowed SkyBlu was reluctant to do the same.
La La Land: Who wants to see those pale hairy legs rubbing against a shocked Oriental girl? For many tech geeks, the answer is apparently yes. Repetitive ballads and flamboyant CGI effects make this one a hit for the lonely basement dwellers of America. Clearly, they prefer a la la land of lawless Latino lechery to the real world where people have wives and jobs.
It’s a Miami Trick: Miami is famous for the disgusting acts its prostitutes will perform and this song could very well be SkyBlu’s attempts to pay off his hooker debts. He secretly acknowledges a penchant for orgies themed around anal sex and black men with the lyrics, “I’m feeling in yo’ ass, and I like all the niggas there.”
Yes: Unfortunately LMFAO does not know the meaning of the word, “No!”
Inspired by the recent trend of vampire movies, the LMFAO videos mentioned above take place in a post-apocalyptic world. There are pockmarked buildings and dark-eyed freaks, sudden dance parties and half-nude women. The two singers move like hapless wanderers in this harsh landcape, forcing young men and women into loud, obscene protests choreographed like a child’s Broadway musical. Imagine The Lion King performed by porn stars on Halloween.
Frontman Redfro dresses less like a man and more like a transvestite version of Latoya Jackson. With tight spandex, Elton John eyeglasses and excessive gold jewelry, he stares directly into the camera begging for you to excuse his ridiculous outfits. His sidekick, SkyBlu, is menacing like a backalley reefer dealer. He tries and fails to keep up with his faster peer as they celebrate their own hedonism, their own hatred of traditional values, with every gang hand gesture and sinister pedophile scowl.
Why does this music exist? Has our culture become so desperate that any affirmation of sin, no matter how reckless and untalented, is embraced by teens who simply need an outlet for rebellion? The United States of America that I know and love is far better than this. Our children deserve far better than this.
Ultimately, the party must end and it must end right now for another party awaits those who move to the rhythm of a righteous spirit, who know the hallowed cloud of profound love and the beatific embrace of that wonder far greater than ourselves. Yes, I will not dance, I will not shout, I will not my arms deliriously about. I will not do any of this until that very moment when I pass the Pearly Gates and enter upon the greatest party of them all. I hope to see you there.
Below, an example of LMFAO’s obscenity, immoral dancing and homosexual interracial frolick:
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